There are many things I’ve done where looking in the right direction helped accomplish the goal. I guess my first experience was learning to ride a horse. You pull the reigns in the right direction by looking in the direction you want to go. The next would be learning to ride a dirt bike or motorcycle. You look in the direction you want to go, and your hands and arms follow suit by turning the handlebars. Next, would be any sport with a ball. Craig was an amazing athlete, and he pretty much owned any game that had to do with a ball. Golf, bowling, tennis, baseball, pool, I think you get the point. Anytime I would play with him, as a pretty intense competitor myself, it was maddening. He did it like he wasn’t even thinking about it. The funny thing is, he wasn’t. In his willingness to help me, he would often say, “look where you want the ball to go.” Well that’s easy, right? It turns out, it’s easier said than done and he continued to wipe the floor with me no matter what we were playing. Fortunately, I still hear those words, but apply them in a very different way.
I have a tendency to keep looking down. In the game of golf, I would look where the ball was and not where it was going. When I started lifting weights, in a position like a squat, I would look down compromising my posture and my balance. Yoga, in a balance pose like Tree, same thing. For me, looking down at the ground symbolizes a couple things, but one of them is above all the others. Needing the safety and security of the ground, if I can see the ground and my feet are on it, I feel safe and secure. Ultimately meaning a lack of confidence in the rest of my body and my brain to do what it’s supposed to do if I look anywhere else but down. Looking at the ground is a sense of control because I don’t have the confidence to just let my “computer” do it, another valuable lesson that Craig would try and coach me through. The premise is that you know how to swing a club and hit the ball. Once you have the mechanics down of a particular task, then get out of your head and let your computer do it. Just hit “Enter.” Well that’s easy too, right?
What about in life? We all go through struggles. We have pivotal moments in our lives. It’s not what happens to us, but how we react to what happens to us that really determines the impact it made. In those moments, we often stare at the ground. We wonder why? How did we get here? What do I do now? We get stuck in where the ball was and not where we want it to go. From the time Craig died, it has taken nearly this long to start to hear the valuable lessons he taught me during our time together. I’m thankful for the opportunity to heal in order to embrace his words and start looking at where I want the ball to go. Blessed to have the confidence in myself and know that I’ve got this, so just hit “Enter” and look up.
Look UP first. So, one other important thing. The ability to have confidence in myself and ability to be an amazing solo mom of my two girls, to be a light for others who have lost their loved ones to suicide, to inspire others to keep pushing toward their goals, started with looking UP first. So when I needed to stop staring at the ground, I looked UP. I quit my job and walked away from my career. I looked UP. I was scared with no plan. I looked UP. Nearly a year later, I’m still looking UP. I gave it all UP. Thanking Him for the doors that closed and walking through the doors He opened. That was it, 2018, a series of doors opening and doors closing and just looking UP. Everyday, I look UP, hit “Enter,” and focus on where I want the ball to go. I have faith over fear, and confidence to let go of the control of staring at the ground because God’s got me, so I’ve got this. Guess what? So do you! Look UP! Be well!